


Destination Surprise Wedding

by Esmethewitch



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Alien Culture, Bad Dirty Talk, Biting, Crack, Dominant Rose Tico, Dubious Consent, F/M, Fantastic Racism, Femdom, General Armistice Hans, Humor, Hux Quits, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kinky Armitage Hux, One Shot, PWP, Praise Kink, Sex Pollen, Smut, Spanking, Sub Hux, Weddings, Why Did I Write This?, possibly the most ridiculous thing i've ever written, they both have a great time though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-25 16:21:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20915006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esmethewitch/pseuds/Esmethewitch
Summary: Hux and Rose meet again, on a planet populated by insectoid beings who seem to have a lot of kyber. Rose is the sole diplomatic delegate of the Resistance, and Hux is there on an ill-conceived plan to steal a large crystal to power a second Starkiller. They both run afoul of the local authorities, and Rose thinks quickly to get them out of it. Because everyone loves a good wedding. Afterwards, they walk by some interesting plants and realize that they do want to consummate the marriage after all.





	Destination Surprise Wedding

This was not the lowest point of his career, Hux reflected as he struggled futilely against the binders keeping his hands behind his back. Having to listen to Kylo Ren’s stupid poetry recitals or scraping the corpses of Force-imploded Bridge officers off of the formerly pristine, waxed floors of the _Finalizer_ was still worse than this. But only just. He could not understand these shiny black insect-things horrid chittering, but he knew they were angry with him.

Kneeling on the rocky ground on a planet cursed by high humidity, tiny biting flies, and three blazing suns, Hux wished (not for the first time, nor likely for the last) that he’d gone into a nice, soothing profession like dentistry instead of letting his father drag him into the military. Though at least nobody was trying to rhyme “saber” and “savior”, this was still looking pretty bad. Worst of all, these creatures had a right to be angry with him. He’d tried to break into their heathen temple and steal a hunk of kyber lying in front of a statue of their weird beetle-god. If they were to rebuild Starkiller, they needed a large crystal. And of course, Ren sent him instead of letting him delegate this task to a more worldly assassin or spy. He couldn’t imagine a way to make this situation worse without adding Kylo Ren. Over the screeching cries of a turquoise-scaled flying lizard thing, he could hear someone shouting. A human woman, her yells increasing in volume. He looked up.

There, flanked by two larger beetle-things with her hands roughly tied in front of her by a vine (maybe they only had the budget for one set of binders, Hux mused,) was a dark-haired woman. She wore a dress made of thin, flowing material, white with a design of red flowers. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail, and she had pretty round cheeks and...oh dear. He’d even rather be trapped with Ren than see her again. His finger began to throb in warning. Or maybe it was because he was starting to lose circulation in his wrists. Either way worked.

“I am on a diplomatic mission from General Organa!”, she shrieked. “I meant no harm in approaching the inner sanctum! I promise!” Her words were ignored. They shoved her down onto her knees, right across from him.

The guard-beetle-things pulled out blasters, and began to click angrily at them, gesturing first to Hux, then to Rose Tico. Rose bit her lip and gulped. She twisted her bound hands and wriggled them into the pocket of her skirt. Their captors clacked warnings and pressed the muzzles of their blasters against the back of her neck, but she kept moving and pulled out a small, black box. Gritting her teeth, she pushed a prominent green button on it with her nose, and spoke into the end of it. “I am on a diplomatic mission from General Organa!”, she repeated.

But that was not the noise that came out of the box. Instead, Rose let out a volley of clicks and hisses, though her lips moved in the same pattern that they did before.

There were what looked like the beetle-person equivalent of gasps. Rose stretched out her bound arms, extending the device to the guard with a badge in the shape of three interlocked pink flowers somehow attached to his carapace. The rest just had one or two flowers of the same design, so Hux surmised that this one was the highest ranking one here.

Gingerly, the guard took the box and positioned its mandibles over the part that Hux guessed was the mouthpiece.

“Greetings, delegate of the New Republic,” it buzzed. “ My name is Ora, and I am the captain of the temple guard. We are sorry for any misunderstanding that happened here. But why did you leave the conference room and enter the inner sanctum of Grodva, unpurified and unguided if you meant no harm? I understand that you did receive a cultural briefing before arrival.”

Rose blushed, and Hux found himself hoping against hope that these creatures could not read human body language. She turned to him. "Follow my lead", she mouthed.

“What?!”, Hux spat. But before he could intervene, Rose was speaking into the mouthpiece again.

After that, their captor’s mood was decidedly jovial. The one guarding Hux slapped him on the shoulder with one chitinous claw. Hux fell forward, but they caught him and took his binders off. He was surrounded by a chorus of happy hisses and clicks. Rose’s bonds were also removed.

“What did you tell them?”, he whispered to Rose. Rose, for her part turned to him and hugged him, trapping his hands at his sides like a pair of limp dead fish hanging from two lines. The creatures were hustling them back towards the temple, for some reason.

“I said that I wanted the guidance of the Goddess as I contemplated my imminent marriage,” she whispered in his ear. “I said that you did not intend to make off with the kyber (it’s so huge, Hux, how did you think you could carry it off anyway), but instead you sought the blessings of her children as you thought of the future we’ll have together. People do break into this temple to pray, I’ve heard. It’s not officially the done thing, but it’s accepted anyway. Grodva is the Goddess of marriage, love, and the family here. The kyber ball symbolizes her eggs. She’s also the Goddess of puddings, for some reason.”

Hux shrugged, remembering the tasteless, quaking monstrosities his stepmother Maratelle would serve up every Life Day, soaked in brandy and set afire. He wished that they would have let the puddings burn until only ashes remained. Instead, he was made to take a portion, say thank-you, and eat while his father berated him for poor posture and his stepmother griped about how long this thing had taken her to make, why did they have to do it every year. Then, at least his father would turn on her and snap that it was Tradition. “Makes sense,” he replied.

“Glad you approve of my plan, Hux. I thought you’d freak out for sure.” She was grinning. Why?

“You said nothing about the plan. What plan? I only meant that family and puddings go together.”

Rose gave him a strange look, but replied: “We let them perform a traditional marriage ceremony for us in the Sanctum of Grodva. Then, we pretend this never happened and go on our merry separate ways. And forget about the giant lump of kyber on the altar. I didn’t come here to steal it, I just came to scout it out, see what they had and see if the locals could be persuaded to tell us where there was more.”

“_I _came to steal it,” Hux muttered.

“And a terrible mess you made of it too,” Rose admonished. “Taking other people’s cultural treasures is _wrong._ Besides, I can’t see you as a cat-burglar.”

Hux snorted. “This was not my idea.”

“Ren put you up to it?” Her tone grew more sympathetic.

“Yes. I told him it was a kriffing stupid idea, but then he messed with my mind until I agreed with him.”

Rose grimaced. “Ouch.”

“Indeed.”

They were marched up the temple steps, and then into the sanctum. Hux gazed up as a shiny giant beetle made of some sort of obsidian glared down at them, guarding a huge red lump of kyber. Kyber that the First Order could not use.

He saw a mass of insect-like beings rushing around them. One of them wore a hat, golden and in the shape of an overturned bloom. It clutched a large book in its two front arms. This was probably their priest. Another beetle, wearing a red scarf apparently made of stitched-together flower petals (plants were so big on this planet) and a smaller gold flower-hat joined him, unhampered by a book. This one held Rose’s translator device. The beetles gathered round them, heads bowed. A third, smaller official-looking beetle skittered up onto a little dais, and scraped its wings together rhythmically as more of the creatures filed in. It sounded for all the world like a violin. Hux took in the jeweled hall, the dark, baleful Goddess statue, and the beady compound eyes of the beings watching him get married to his nemesis to avoid a diplomatic disaster, prison, or execution.

“We are gathered here, together, today, to join two souls for eternity under the eyes of Grodva,” it droned. “Grodva is great, for even two beings from faraway stars come to worship her.”

The adjutant-priest-beetle stopped, and the hall resounded with a chorus of clickings that probably meant something to the effect of: “Grodva is great!”

The book-holding beetle raised the tome (bound in some sort of red leather), and the crowd fell silent.

The speaker turned then to Rose. “Have you asked this man’s parents whether you are worthy to take him as your husband?”

Rose did a double-take. “They’re dead,” Hux shouted. “But I think they would have said yes if they were here.” This last part was a blatant lie. Rose repeated this into the translator.

There was a susurrus of hissing around them. “Ah. ‘Tis noble to take in an orphan,” the beetle (whom Hux had mentally nicknamed Father Rollo, after the chaplain at his primary school. The priest was named Roland, but Rollo seemed more fitting for this rotund, shiny creature) proclaimed. “Very well. Do you, Rose Tico, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

Rose gulped and turned green. “I do,” she mouthed into the translator.

Father Rollo continued. “Do you swear by your honor to provide for him, for better or worse, in sickness and health? To protect him, and the grubs you may have together? To care for this delicate soul entrusted to your keeping by his own will and the Goddess?

Hux bristled a bit at the “delicate soul” part, but there was nothing for it.

“I do,” she replied. All that came out of the translator was sort of a “click-hisss”, but Hux saw her lips move.

Then, Father Rollo turned to him. “Do you, Armistice Hans, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?” They got his name wrong through the translator. But that was more than fine. On the off-chance that this turned out to be legally binding somehow, he’d have a way out. Rose had stuffed a fist into her mouth and was trying not to laugh.

He leaned over the translation box. “I do.”

“Do you swear by your honor to submit to her, for better or worse, in sickness and health? To take her eggs and nurture them? To obey the soul who has chosen you for her own?” Hux’s eyes widened. Now this he objected to.

“Just go with it,” Rose whispered from the other side of the book-holding priest. “I’m not gonna take you up on it.”

Hux nodded. “I do,” he said. Something tightened inside of him when he heard the words “submit” and “obey.” Initially it sounded ridiculous, but now his mind was plagued with visions of Rose towering over him as he knelt at her feet, begging her to let him please her, let him come. Ugh. If he got a boner here and now, these primitive things would probably think it was an ovipositor, never mind the embarrassment.

“Then, I now join you as woman and husband, two souls into one,” Father Rollo said. The book-holding priest whacked them both on the shoulders with the weighty volume. It hurt. Then, he moved aside and let Father Rollo shove them together.

“You may bite the groom,” Father Rollo intoned gravely. Rose gasped. She stared at Hux, then at the impassive eyes above her. She took his hands, and then nuzzled against his neck, giving him a gentle nip somewhere above his Adam’s Apple. Hux pressed his lips together so he didn’t scream again. Father Rollo handed Rose back the translator.

The hall was now filled with what sounded like coos of “Aww”, or the insectoid equivalent of it. The crowd parted, and let them pass hand in hand.

They exited the temple, and passed through a garden of giant flowers. They were red, and all with diameters as wide as Hux was tall. He wasn’t sure how the gravity worked here, that such large flowers and insects could thrive. Kylo Ren would have said the flowers looked like big, dripping vaginas if he were here. Not that Ren knew what he was about; Hux doubted he’d ever seen one before.

The flowers oozed a cloying, sweet nectar that gently dripped onto their heads like sticky rain. The air was thick with pollen. Hux sneezed. “Well, I’ll be happy to leave this planet,” he said. “I think it’s making my allergies act up.”

“I would have liked to stay,” Rose said softly. “The people seem interesting. And I love these flowers. They’re almost as pretty as your hair.”

Hux laughed. He was sure he inhaled more pollen, because he started coughing. “You think my hair’s pretty?”

“Yes!”, wailed Rose, pupils full blown, clearly hurt.

“Well you’re one to talk, girl. You’ve got a lovely pair of...personality. Yes, a lovely personality. You talked us out of that. I think you’re really...nice.” Hux cringed as these words escaped his mouth, but somehow they felt right.

Rose put an arm over his shoulders. It was a bit of a stretch, but it worked. “You have a really cute butt.”

“So do you.”

“I want to touch it. Maybe smack it a little, sorry if that’s weird.” Rose was blushing prettily again.

“No, it’s not weird,” Hux breathed. He threw his arms around her, letting her feel his growing erection as he pulled the soft, willing Rose towards him. “You know what’s weird?”, he asked.

“What?”

“That we haven’t done this before. Dunno why.”

Rose giggled. “You were a jerk.”

“Oh come on, I wasn’t thaat bad,” he protested.

“You ordered my execution!”, she shrieked. “But now I wanna fuck you. Punish you for it, but like, not in a mean way.”

Hux’s pulse sped up. “How are you going to punish me?” They were stumbling along quite drunkenly.

“Get on your knees and find out,” Rose whispered.

A couple beetle-things walked by and chittered at them, and Hux remembered they weren’t alone.

“It has to wait until we’re in private,” Hux admonished. “I think we’re in a park right now.”

Rose laughed again. “Oh, you are right, my good little husband. Once, I went to a city where they arrested us for a parking violation! A parking violation, Hux, can you believe that?”

Hux thought briefly of all the First Order regulations. “Actually, yes” he said.

They somehow made it to Hux’s hotel room. It took him a couple of tries to get the key-card in the lock because that meant he had to let go of Rose. And he didn’t want to let go of Rose. She was soft, pliant, beautiful, and sucking a trail of bruises down his neck like there was no tomorrow, licking them to soothe the delicious pain.

They staggered in towards the bed. “I have condoms,” Hux stated. He threw Rose down on the bed and fumbled around in the refresher until he found the packet. Hope springs eternal. Even if Hux failed to get lucky on this planetary stay, he could use the condoms to replace his (expired, unused) stash back on the ship. He put it down on the bedside table.

“You won’ need them,” Rose moaned, now stripped down to her panties and bra.

“I don’t think you want children,” said Hux. “Those beetle-things were wrong. I can’t take your eggs.” He thought for a moment. “We could order some stuff off the holonet though. That might be fun! But I’m not getting you pregnant.”

Rose had removed her panties and bra, and was now rubbing herself desperately with a couple of fingers. Hux ached to join in. He peeled off his shirt, boxers, and pants. Standing in front of her, he took in the scene: Rose, squelching in and out of herself with her clever little fingers, head thrown back, nipples hard on her ample breasts. Her vulva was framed with more dark hair, and Hux wanted to lick her open and bury his nose in it, making her scream before he thrust into her. He grabbed her wrist, making that beautifully sinful rocking motion stop.

Rose glared at him. “No.”

“No? I thought you wanted to fuck me!”

She gave an evil smile. “I said I was gonna punish you. I am. I’ll get myself off, and all you can do is watch. Then I’ll spank you.” She paused. “If that’s okay, I mean. If you’re not into that, I get it. Then, if you are very, very good, I’ll let you pleasure me, and then I’ll make you come.”

Hux thought for a moment. He pictured Rose’s little hands slapping blooms of pain across his bottom, squeezing at his cock if he was lucky, while he wriggled under her, helpless. It was a nice picture. “Don’t worry.” His dick twitched in agreement. “I’m into it. But what’s in this for you?”

“I get to spank you. I’ve wanted to do that for a while. And you promised to obey me.”

She spread her legs and began rubbing lazy little circles over her engorged clit. Now and then, she’d stop and pinch a nipple. Hux made a noise that sounded like: “ghee.”

“You said you wouldn’t hold me to it.”, he managed to choke out.

“Only if you want me to,” she replied.

“I want you to.” He watched Rose’s eyes widen even more, saw how this admission thrilled her straight to her core.

She traced her outer folds for what seemed like an eternity before slipping back in with her fingers. Finally, her hand sped up over the nub of her clit, a little bud of red poking through black hairs. She whimpered out her release before him, wiping damp fingers off on her thigh. “Alright. Over my lap.”

“I don’t think I’ll fit.” He sized up Rose. If he were to drape over her knees, he’d be supporting his own weight. Something told him that was not the best idea if he was getting a spanking.

“Hmm. Maybe you’re right. What if I sit back on the bed, and you sort of lay over me? With your butt up?”

“We can try.” He crawled over to her, and lay across her lap. Her thighs were soft and pillowy, but with sinew hidden underneath.

“Oof! You’re heavy!”

“You wanted to spank me,” he mumbled. At that, the first blow fell. It was a sharp crack across both buttcheeks, and made him reflexively jerk.

He heard Rose gasp. “If you want to stop, just say so,” she said, her tone worried.

“That was nothing,” Hux scoffed. “I don’t even know what lesson you want to teach me with this.” The blows fell fast and hard.

“You’ve been a very naughty boy,” Rose scolded. With Rose’s small size, he wasn’t expecting her to pack much of a swing. Not that he was complaining. Each smack made his cock (trapped against the delicious flesh of her thighs) writhe against its confinement. She moved a hand between his shoulder blades, holding him firmly in place. After a while, the bizarre adventure of the day and the looming spectre of Ren faded away. There was nothing more than the cheap, scratchy hotel duvet clenched in his fists, Rose’s lap, and the teasing pain she gave him. He didn’t have a body so much as a void in himself that she was filling. Then, it stopped.

“Can you tell me what you did wrong?” Rose asked, gently.

“Umm…” Hux racked his brain for distant memories of pornos vaguely related to the improbable scenario he found himself in now. “I’ve been a very naughty boy that Mistress needs to punish?”

She spanked him again. “Incorrect. Let’s try again.”

“I’m...um...a needy little slut?”

“No.” This time, no blow came. She seemed almost disappointed, and not in an erotic way. “You tried to kill me and my friends.”

Oh. That. “I’m sorry.”

Rose pursed her lips. “And?”

“I’m sorry, ma’am, and I won’t do it in the future.” If he could get the fucking of his life and the Resistance lulled into thinking that he was nothing more than Kylo Ren’s harmless flunkey, he would be a lucky man. This seemed to be the right thing to say. Rose rubbed his agonized cheeks lightly, causing the pain to burn again. She gently eased him off her, cock hard and dripping, hair mussed. He was slumping forward, but she caught him and drew him into an embrace. Tears prickled at the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill. She caressed his shoulders and stroked his hair, planting a kiss to his forehead.

“Alright. Thank you for your apology. You have been punished, and now you understand your errors. Next, you can show me how good you can be.” She scooted over to the edge of the bed and spread her legs. “On your knees,” she commanded. “Make me come using only your mouth.” Hux moved off the bed and knelt at her feet, reveling in the dripping, swollen pussy that was blooming open above him. He started with a few teasing licks to her outer folds, then pushed into her opening. She moaned. He swirled his tongue around, and set to work pleasing her.

A vagina always tastes like a vagina, salty and tangy, but there was something about Rose’s wetness today that made this ordinary flavor a feast. Maybe it was those damned kriffing vagina-shaped flowers. Stars, if seeing innocent plants made him hard well into his thirties, he was either chronically sex-starved or trapped in the mind of an adolescent boy. Gradually, he migrated up from her salty depths to the regions around her opening, making each lap of his tongue longer and harder. Finally, he settled over her clit, sucking it and lapping at the little ball of flesh, feeling it harden under his ministrations. Rose squirmed and moaned: “Kark, Hux! You’re doing so well. Such a good boy. So good for me.”

This utterance made his balls tighten, and if it weren’t for Hux’s quick thinking and his fingers squeezing the base of his cock, he might have come then and there. Looking up at her, he was reminded of the day when their positions were reversed. Hah. Now was his chance. He nipped at her mound, suddenly but only giving her a light kiss of teeth. Immediately after, he lapped at the spot where he bit, soothing pain with calculated applications of pleasure. She shrieked and spasmed under him. “What the kriffing sith hell was that?!”, she cried.

Hux lifted his head, used this opportunity to take a few deep breaths, and said: “Revenge.”

Rose laughed and thrust her hand into his hair, yanking him forward again. “If you’re eating me out now, I think I win,” she said. _We’ll see about that at the end of this war, _Hux thought but did not say. Though not with much feeling. If the Resistance was wiped from the Galaxy, he wouldn’t be able to fuck Rose again and that would be sad. Finally, he could feel the lips of her pussy clenching around his tongue in a perverted kiss, taste her essence oozing into his mouth. She screamed. Hux was proud of that.

The privilege of thrusting his aching cock (covered in a condom, of course) into Rose’s tight, wet heat was heaven. He rutted up against her while she rode him, cursing, whimpering, occasionally praising. Once Rose called him a good boy who earned his right to come, come for me, you did so well, Hux shuddered into her, lights exploding in his field of vision brighter than the Starkiller laser destroying the Hosnian system. After he pulled out and disposed of the condom, Rose snuggled up to him and they lay there sweatily together. He ran a hand through her space-black hair, and kissed those soft red lips. It wasn’t that it had been long since Hux came. He’d gotten into the habit of jerking himself off in the shower as a form of stress relief. It was, he realized, that he couldn’t remember the last time someone held him since this...whatever the hell it was had happened. It was nice. He drifted off to sleep, for once unplagued by thoughts of of bureaucratic nightmares, repair bills, and his father’s disdain.

Until his comm, forgotten on the bedside table, beeped. He rolled over and picked it up. Rose’s questing arms found nothing but blanket. She muttered something that sounded like: “Page, come back.” He tiptoed into the ‘fresher, and shut the door.

“Did you get it?” Ren sounded like a whiny child asking his mother if his new toy had arrived.

“Ren, it’s the middle of the rest cycle here,” Hux hissed. Not that those circumstances had bothered him before.

“Yeah, I know. Did you obtain the kyber? Can we start making the next Starkiller?”

Hux sighed. “No.”

“No! Your failure will be punished, General. Shouldn’t have expected so much from somebody who has three different types of pomade.”

And of course, Ren would not punish him like Rose had. Ren’s punishments ended up in asphyxiation, bruises, and broken bones, not orgasms. Strange that he considered such endings now.

Suddenly, inspiration struck. Or maybe it was the afterglow and hour of sleep making him stupid. “No, Ren. It won’t. Effective immediately, I RESIGN.” There. He said it.

“You...what?”

“I put in my two weeks notice but you are so oafish you don’t even merit two weeks notice. I’m leaving. I am gone. I quit. In simple words, General Hux gone, Crybaby Ren have to clean up own messes. GOODBYE.” He cut the call, put his commlink on mute, and returned to bed. Rose folded herself around him again. He could solve his problems tomorrow. Or he and Rose could stroll back to that weird vagina-flower grove and go for round two. It was nice to have everything be somebody else’s problem, for a change.


End file.
